Waiting for magic to happen.

As every weekend comes and goes, the grand plans are made and then pushed to the following weekend. During the week, I also make a half-hearted attempt to accomplish creative and organizational things. Even with a Pandemic, where the usual time suck events are happening, I can’t enhance my output.

Distractions seem to be around every corner. It might be the television, but I have even seemed to have gotten bored of that evil rectangle. The computer where I try to write is full of mind-numbing content and messy email accounts. Plus folders of old stuff that I can never seem to delete or make sense of how to archive or set-up.

Living in the same house for almost twenty-five years, the accumulation of projects and objects is overwhelming. Many things get started and never finished as I had envisioned. I will never have enough money or time to fix everything that needs fixing.

The day job hasn’t stopped for me. Thank goodness I do need the income to survive. I find that I am good at taking care of problems and getting my work done. I took on a manager role for the last two years, and while I wasn’t sure I was interested in being one, it has gone better than expected. It does, however, make me tired and non-energetic when I get home.

When I was younger, I did accomplish some cool things. I put out a local music magazine, played in bands, and started a record label. I also created a small business, and while none of the things made money, it was how I ended up doing what I do now. I am not broke like I was before, but it took me fifty years to get there.

About two years ago, I had the idea I was going to write a novel. I had stopped all the non-money making projects. I had ideas and outlines I had worked on for a story that extended way before those two years. All I had to do was hunker down and write and get it all together. I was going to work my day job and write a novel on the side. I have had more ideas for it, and more chapters were written but still a long way from completion.

In my head, I am waiting for that switch to go off where I start writing, editing, and finishing. My mind is clear, and I see all obstacles ahead, and I get through them and finish the book. That switch is still down, and I am searching for the will to flip it up. If I look at my past, though, it might be more challenging than I imagine it in my head.

I was a hyper and unfocused child. I was not too fond of math or any homework in elementary school. I probably would have been diagnosed with ADHD if that were a thing back then. Seventh grade was horrible, but I finally took things seriously in high school when I realized I would need better scores to get into college. It was hard for me, but I was able to get into college but on probation.

It didn’t last long, though, just one year and then some random community college classes. Here is where my brain doesn’t work, when there is a big picture with challenges that seem too challenging to comprehend. So these small projects, I could accomplish but never getting them to a level where they could take off.

Now, I feel like I am in a better place, and I have done some things to flip that switch, but I am not quite there yet. I started by losing some weight and eating healthier but getting past that next step and exercising more has eluded me. I tried meditating, thought maybe a therapist might help with my ADHD, but after reading and researching about it, it seems like that might not be the issue. Lists, random note cards, and allotted time to write have fallen by the wayside.

My last thought is that maybe this is who I am, and I am overthinking everything. I have time to finish things; there is no death clock I am aware of. I am hoping it won’t take a near-death experience to shake me from these creative roadblocks. There is no switch; there is only me and my desire to work and finish what I started. I planned on writing this article about six months ago, and look now I finished it. Is this the first step to get right with me? Check back with me in two years, and see if I have a book to sell you.